From 2013 to 2014 I experienced an unusually high amount of death from the loss of friends and family members. The total came to 16 before I finally stopped losing someone every few weeks or so. During that time, I would literally wake up wondering who would die next that I cared about. It was one of the most difficult years of my life and left me feeling like I had no control over anything. Death is hard enough to deal with even for healthy individuals. However, dealing with death with the added difficulty from mental illness brings the challenge of coping to a whole other level.
For those unaware, I suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). In other words, dealing with everyday life can be difficult for me. Now add in the fact I had to cope with 16 deaths in a year and you can probably imagine why I lost my mind a bit during that year.
Coping with the loss of a loved one is one of the most stressful and difficult events that anyone can experience. Bereavement, which literally means to be deprived by death, can bring upon a very wide range of emotions. Everything from moments of deep depression to even feeling completely numb inside. The way each person copes with grief is as unique as their personality. Also, it is not unusual for someone to deal with loss differently each time it occurs. I know this not just from being a psychologist, but also because it happened to me over the course of that year.
When the deaths started occurring the first few hit me very hard. I could not stop crying, could not eat, was not sleeping, and my life pretty much came to a halt. The only way I knew how to cope with any of my thoughts or feelings was to write about them in my journal on dA. I am very blessed to have such amazing and supportive friends who helped me get through each death as it happened. However, as more deaths occurred, I began to feel numb, dark, and cynical of the cycle of them never ending. Eventually, someone would die and I'd shrug my shoulders as if it was nothing. I know now that my numbness was nothing more than a defensive shield just waiting to be shattered.
You see, over time my OCD rituals became critical to my survival while also increasing in the sheer amount of the times I'd need to do them. I could not leave my house, drive my car, leave work, do art, or anything without performing my little rituals first. During my rituals, if I were interrupted or felt like one didn't "stick" (didn't feel like it worked) I would repeat the entire thing from the top over and over til it felt right. I developed new and more time-consuming rituals to the point I spent more time doing a ritual than I would the activity that followed. Even worse, I was in denial of how bad my rituals were.
As the year continued on, I noticed my moods switching back and forth as if some other entity was triggering my moods on some unbeknownst cue. I had no tolerance for anything and my anger quickly became noticeable to those around me. However, due to me being in denial over it all, I had no idea why everyone was so upset with me and treating me differently. In fact, I blamed them for being oversensitive and not being understanding to my situation. Simply put, I was a nightmare to deal with during this time if I even spoke to anyone at all. It was not unusual for me to go into a silent mode and shut people out without any notice or reasoning. I was quite cold to those who deserved more than what I was offering. Due to this, I lost more people from my treatment of them than I did with actual deaths. Now that I am "healthier" the guilt of my behavior can be overwhelming, but I will go over that later.
Also, during that year my PTSD flared up to a point where I would go days without sleep (insomnia) and when I would sleep I'd experience horrid flashbacks. The flashbacks ranged from memories in my past to reliving the recent deaths over and over. I cannot count how many nights I awoke sweating, screaming, or simply crying uncontrollably. I began to feel like I had no idea who I was, why I was even bothering living, and resented everyone. I lost interest in my activities, my friends/family, and at one point actually believed someone had cursed me to keep reliving deaths. I was losing my mind, myself, and there did not seem to be any light within the tormented tunnel for which I was walking.
Then a week after the last death of my father's mother the light came to me when I experienced my own near death and was hospitalized for a week. You see, it was during that week that I realized how bad I let things become and that I needed to take back control of my life and illnesses. Thus, once I was released I began repairing relationships with others, modifying my behaviors/thought patterns, and put myself on an anti-anxiety medication. Getting back to normal did not happen overnight. In fact, it took about four months before I began to feel like my old self and enjoying my old hobbies again. It has been about two months now since I began feeling normal and every day I have to make a conscious effort to not sink back into destructive behaviors.
The reason I decided to finally open up and share my story is to provide hope to those with mental illness coping with grief. Your story may be completely different than mine, but the fact remains that while it may be more difficult for us to cope with grief it is not impossible. The main insight I can share is while grief may cause us to be shattered to pieces while our illness runs rampant we are capable of defeating anything we encounter. However, this requires us to make a conscious decision to want to defeat our obstacles as well as reaching out for help.
The most important thing to remember when coping with grief is to recognize how much of your feelings and thoughts are you coping and how much is your illness. This is done through educating yourself on grief and learning to identify when your illness is influencing you more than your grief. I was able to do this through blogging my feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Also, I spoke to family, friends, and doctors to help regain control over my illnesses and life. Does this mean what helped me will help you? Not necessarily. Your goal should be to regain control in a way that is easiest for you without resorting to destructive short-cuts. Also, during this time, remember to be kind to yourself and actually allow yourself to heal. There is no need to feel rushed or pressured to get better because it does require time and making a conscious effort each day. Eventually, you will notice a change in your thoughts, feelings, and behavior with each passing day. I assure you it does because I just experienced it and know firsthand how easy it is to accept there's no turning back when in fact you can if you choose to do so. No matter what your situation you have the capability to change it!
I know this journal is quite lengthy but I do hope that it has been helpful in some way. Also, if you would like to share your own experience with grief and mental illness please feel free to do so in the comments. You may also contact me privately via note if you wish to keep your story between the two of us.
Thank you for reading.
tinycasket
